Musk flexes and fails

Elon Musk brought us infuriatingly close to a government shutdown while putting on stark display his lack of humanity and Republicans' inability to govern

Friday morning, Rep. Hakeem Jeffries addressed the media, stating: “Republicans are marching America to a painful government shutdown that will crash the economy and hurt working-class Americans because they would rather enact massive tax cuts for their billionaire donors than fund cancer research for children.”

Thankfully, House Democrats came to the rescue once again, joining the fractured Republican caucus and voting nearly unanimously last night for the stopgap “Continuing Resolution” (CR), narrowly avoiding a disastrous government shutdown over the holidays.

Senate went on to pass the bill 85-11, just after the midnight deadline. President Biden is expected to sign it into law, thereby keeping the lights on in the Federal Government until mid-March. Federal employees, from TSA agents and air traffic controllers, to park rangers, and even our military, can breathe sighs of relief that their paychecks will continue to arrive.

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The chaos began churning after Congress reached a bipartisan agreement to fund the government for three months—a seemingly minor achievement for such a short amount of time, but certainly not a simple or easy one to achieve.

Enter shadow co-president Elon Musk and his junior partner, Donald Trump. After reading the details, Musk took it upon himself to intervene. Jacked up on his juvenile, self-titled “Dark MAGA” instincts, Elon took to his nefarious platform and went on a 20-hour tirade rife with misinformation decrying the bipartisan measure, claiming, for example, that it included a 40% raise for members of Congress (false) and that it would prevent an investigation into those who had INVESTIGATED January 6 (false) and that the bill funded bioweapons labs (which—have you noticed a pattern?—is false). But Trump and Musk’s followers believe his word to be gospel, so they trusted him, which elevated pressure on the floor, and in no time at all, they’d slaughtered the bill.

No matter how you slice it, the decision to trash a bipartisan CR that would have kept our government afloat was rash and unnecessary. Also, aren’t Republicans the party of fiscal responsibility? Didn’t their victory mean that the adults would be taking charge? Weren’t they earnest when claiming it was problematic that our biggest non-defense line item expense is interest on our exploding debt? Surely they would have been informed, and would have already worked out a good-faith plan to fix it.

Either that…or their entire brand is founded on lies. I’m leaning toward the latter. Because before even taking office, the purported fiscal grown-ups have proposed a wildly unfit supporting cast of wrecking-ball flunkeys to help lead the country, suggested eliminating our debt ceiling so Trump doesn’t have to be accountable, and brought our nation to the brink of a shutdown to appease the world’s wealthiest man and largest government-contractor, Elon Musk. It’s almost like…like…maybe they don’t actually care about fiscal responsibility in the slightest, and just spew bullshit on an endless, merit-less loop because posturing on Fox is the only thing that the modern Republican brand knows how to do. Governing is beyond them, and they just proved it once again.

So, what was in the agreed-upon bill (for which they HAD THE VOTES) that got Musk so worked up that he posted about it nearly 100 times in less than a day? More importantly, what changes were made in the rejiggered bill? Well, they ELIMINATED the following (among others) to appease President Elon:

• Seven more years of research funding authorization for the GABRIELLA MILLER KIDS FIRST RESEARCH ACT 2.0, which provides funding for pediatric cancer research.

• The GIVE KIDS A CHANCE ACT, to provide studies of new cancer drugs

• ACCELERATING ACCESS TO CARE ACT to streamline out-of-state treatment for medically complex kids

• SUPPORT ACT promoting Opioid recovery and treatment

• PANDEMIC AND ALL HAZARDS PREPAREDNESS ACT

• Restrictions on Pharmacy Benefit Managers, who often overcharge patients

• Restrictions on American investments in China, a requirement to disclose new business in China to the government, and safeguards from industrial theft

Oh, OK. Because those seem frivolous…ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? How outright villainous must you be to propose the removal of assistance for suffering children?

The Gabriella Miller Kids First Pediatric Research program is a bipartisan program that allocates $190 Million to research. It’s a drop in the bucket in the aspect of the entire budget, but a HUGE resource to the program and its efforts. Regardless of your political persuasions, apply that decision to the face of a child in your life. I know: that’s a harsh, inconsiderate, cavalier request. You know what’s harsher? The fact that such a profoundly worthy program was eliminated exclusively because Elon Musk, the world’s wealthiest man, wants a tax cut that’s not going to pay for itself. And because Donald Trump wants to feel like a big boy by “giving” it to him.

Look, I understand that optics don’t matter for a party wholly owned by a pair of billionaires; for a party that finds it so challenging to do the bare minimum to keep our government open…but that $190 million for pediatric cancer research was in the bill that the Democrats negotiated WITH Republicans. When they pulled their about-face and trashed it to write their own, it was gone.

Democrats aren’t staying silent about the cruelty that transpired. Democratic Senator Brian Schatz wrote: “Fuck cancer. Especially pediatric cancer. These people want to punish these precious little kids to pay for tax cuts for the wealthiest corporations in human history.”

And Democrat Sylvia Garcia wrote: “Republicans bent over backwards for Elon Musk and cut $190 million for a child cancer research program from the funding bill. Yes, you read that right–a CHILD CANCER research program. They’re throwing sick kids under the bus, all to please a billionaire.”

Because we need to be aware that the richest man in the world—worth some $250 BILLION—told Republicans to rip $190 Million away from kids, and the majority of them OBEYED.

The majority…but not enough to pass anything on their own, of course. If there’s anything to offer us a glint of hope, it is that Musk and Trump are learning in real time that putting a professional shitposter in charge of the US government does not guarantee success. Because when Republicans put the Trump-endorsed continuing resolution on the floor, here’s what happened:

That’s right. They failed to pass their slipshod bill to keep the government open. In other words, Elon’s first attempt at wielding power was a resounding debacle, to such an extent that 38 Republicans refused to vote for their OWN party’s bill.

Their decision prompted a response from Elon evocative of an adolescent who has gotten away with too much for too long:

Yes, because it would be “super fair” for innocent children and their families to suffer to save you a bit of coin.

And are the shoulders of Rep. Jeffries really where the responsibility rests? Squarely? I hate to admit it, but it’s mildly entertaining to witness Musk deploying such bargain-basement political analysis to justify being out of his depth and smacked down. Such a weak-sauce spin would embarrass an OAN anchor (side note: Matt Gaetz, in anticipation of public disclosure of just how immoral Trump’s #1 pick was for attorney general…is slated to become an OAN anchor in January).

Elon, I don’t care if you’re broadcasting from your clubhouse with Vivek or from one of your space rockets. You cannot blame the Democrats for refusing to vote for a Republican replacement for the bill. It is not the Dems’ responsibility to bail out the majority party—even though they continue doing so.

Republicans, you wanted the gavel. You wanted to be in charge. Learn how to fucking govern.

Clearly, the party recognizes how inept it looks. Here’s GOP Rep. Nicole Malliatakis airing her frustration:

Look, I’m hardly Speaker Johnson’s cheerleader. But the way these lawmakers AND the media are focusing on Johnson, as though HE’S the reason that the negotiated deal blew up (or as if he has enough spine or sway to reverse the will of the GOP) is preposterous. The blinders and terror about the culpability of Trump and Musk are staggering. God forbid any of these people do ANYTHING that might invite the ire of Dear Leader and his gaunt human wallet.

Their motivation is pretty basic: Elon has threatened to fund primary challengers to any Republicans who don’t bend the knee. So most (but, notably, not all) Republicans are either cowed into submission or blame it on an easy scapegoat like Johnson. They’ve ushered in a government where two billionaires dictate what they do. If you want to know what oligarchy looks like, the show has begun.

This is governance by fear. It’s horrifying. But don’t waste a single tear for the GOP lawmakers who have been neutered into submission by Trump and Elon. They voted for it, advocated for it, and supported it. They wanted an unhinged lunatic with zero longstanding principles. Trump’s made no secret that he views loyalty as a one-way street. He proved it last time! And when you vote to re-elect the Leopards Eating Faces Party, don’t be surprised when you hear that guttural roar as they launch themselves to feast on your mug one day, too.

So keep in mind, the next time Republicans beat their chests about being populists, that the FIRST ACT under president Musk and his rambling assistant-elect was to almost succeed in stripping kids of cancer research funding while trying to shut down the government, put our national security at risk, and place on full display the inability of their party to function civilly.

Elect clowns; expect a circus.