If He's Willing to Get Off the Couch and Show Up

A primer on the characters of the men in the ring tonight for the VP debate

Debates are highly unpredictable, and those held between the Vice Presidential hopefuls have rarely raised much intrigue, let alone moved the needle on the election. We’ll find out in a few hours if this one—like so many other factors of this wild presidential race—proves to be an outlier in that regard.

Forecasting is a useless exercise. We know what issues will be raised. But before it gets messy during the nearing VP Debate tailgate pundit party, or during the main event and mash-up of commentary to follow, let’s quickly remind ourselves of the characters of the two men going head-to-head tonight.

In one corner will be JD Vance, who you’ll likely see referred to on social media (or in the title of this piece) with a nod toward his affection for couches. Let’s quickly fact-check on that one. Shortly after Vance gave a 100% characteristically forgettable convention speech, thereby completing the arc of his shape-shift from vehement Never Trumper to Donald’s “pet chameleon,” an observer on Twitter wrote, “can’t say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, hillbilly elegy, pp. 179-181).”

That was entirely fabricated. It was a story. The writer is allegedly a desk worker who had experienced a similar hardscrabble upbringing to the one revealed by Vance in his heartland-bashing memoir, Hillbilly Elegy. Unlike Vance, however, the writer of that fateful post didn’t transform himself into a Peter Thiel side project, manosphere companion of Elon and Don Jr., and eventual MAGA heir-apparent.

Memes abounded, creative nicknames thrived, and the pillow guy lost his status as America’s least likable furniture-adjacent personality cult member. The lie was debunked, but late-night hosts, social media, and even Tim Walz (in his entirely memorable convention speech) enjoyed the gag while it lasted.

It was a pretty damning indictment that so many people were entirely prepared to believe this lie. It also served as a convenient way for Americans to acknowledge that there is something decidedly weird and untoward about this man. For those among us (everybody) who hadn’t yet witnessed the scope of his repulsiveness or interrogated the multitudes of ick Vance contains, right off the bat we were offered a placeholder.

But then the story of Vance’s creepy crawl toward the Oval Office took an ugly turn down a thorny path he never should have followed, when he fed the former president dangerous, racist, hateful lies before the big debate, exposing one of the many sinister layers of Vance’s character (or lack thereof). He went on to admit that they were lies, yet somehow still refused to take responsibility (the latter a key Trump strategy), and to do so using that tone of whiny condescension that comes oh so naturally to him:

“The American media totally ignored this stuff until Donald Trump and I started talking about cat memes…if I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that's what I'm going to do, Dana, because you guys are completely letting Kamala Harris coast.”

It wasn’t cat memes, JD. Those were released after the discovery of your petty attack on “childless cat ladies.” No. You used violent rhetoric accusing lawful immigrants of eating pets. Those lies derailed everyday life in Springfield, leading to hospital and school evacuations, while unleashing wholly undeserved hell upon an entire community of people whom you had promised to represent faithfully.

So here’s the thing, Senator Vance.

If we have to create stories about your illicit passion for sectionals so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people (your constituents), a suffering that you needlessly inflicted; or if we have to create stories about you lusting after couches so that the nation actually pays attention to the legit dangers you would pose as a second-in-command who possesses a moral fibre that has the consistency and resilience of a cobweb; or if we have to create stories so that a spotlight is shined on your hearty endorsement of controlling people’s bodies and stripping Americans of their rights and freedoms because you’re all in on embracing a dictatorship…THEN THAT’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO, JD.

I’m just kidding. We’re not the party that “creates stories” to hurt, silence, or endanger others. That’s what MAGA monsters do. Which is probably why you opted against following the route of your “Mamaw and Papaw, the people who raised [you] … classic blue-dog Democrats, union Democrats,” and instead chose to sell your soul so that you could stand beside a man who stands for nothing, and no one, but himself.

Aaand in the other corner, we’ll have America’s beloved coach, who has exceeded (in large part because we got to know Gwen, Hope, and Gus) our initial, soaring impressions of him when he entered the race less than two months ago, thanks to Vice President Harris’s sage decision to choose him:

Walz is from a rural background, he's an enlisted Sergeant in the military, he's got strong union bona fides, was a teacher, passed a popular and progressive legislative agenda as governor of Minnesota… He’s a Midwesterner who just oozes authenticity, while in Vance you've got someone whose positions and values will topple over in a light gust of wind. Walz was the pick of progressives, of rural Democrats, of union workers and blue collar workers, of everybody from Joe Manchin to AOC. He has something for everyone.

Governor Walz, I believe I speak for many of us when I affirm that we, too, can’t wait for you to debate the guy.